Joey: 0:13

hi there, welcome back to. I'm not gay. You are with your host, joey, that is me. How are we doing? Thanks for being here, thanks for listening and tuning in Wednesdays are 30 minutes of your time spent with me. I've been doing a lot of pre-filming, just setting up the podcast, so we have some dynamic, good content that we can push out every Wednesday for you. And it's strange today, because I'm alone, I am not interviewing.

Joey: 0:43

This is definitely my perspective again and my experiences coming to you, which is awesome, but it definitely has a different vibe, kind of sitting, you know, here talking to you with the mic and just kind of sharing my journey and experiences solo, rather than like bantering back and forth and being able to converse with genuine, like-minded individuals. So bear with me. It's been a while, but I really am passionate about this topic and obviously there is trauma and like a journey here that I'm going to kind of dive into. So stay with me. And I really want to address the queer community in the media, the power of storytelling and how it can make an individual feel.

Joey: 1:38

So I recently watched Heartstopper on Netflix, a story of two British teens, nick Nelson and Charlie Spring, an all boys grammar school. Charlie is a very high strung, openly gay overthinker and Nick is a cheerful, soft hearted rugby player, sports boy and one day I guess, they're made to sit together in class and they hit it off. Let's unpack this. To be honest, it sent me into a bit of a spiral. Great, not because it wasn't good. In fact, it's probably because it was too good. It hit me hard and I realized it was because I was yearning for that kind of relationship at that age but I was scared to like be who I wanted to be and I wasn't out or comfortable. I don't think I was in like a very accepting era, was in like a very accepting era, which is sad to say. But that's just high school for you. Yeah, I, you know, I don't know. It was definitely like a relationship that's definitely Hollywoodized and it's very just for TV. Maybe I don't know, but it's like the kind that's definitely Hollywoodized and it's very just for TV. Maybe I don't know, but it's like the kind that's like pure and accepting and it's so full of love. And, you know, nick really takes the the school and turns it upside down for Charlie, who's out as gay and Nick isn't, and he's like taking him under his wing as a straight jock in the school and no one really knows her secretly dating and he brings him on the rugby team and he like looks after him and like the rugby team's kind of like on his side then and he's just very supported and connected through the school as a gay man, um, and prior to the jock, kind of like being there supporting him, uh, nick, he was being bullied and used and he wasn't happy. So, like you know, he finally finds this cute guy like hashtag man of his dreams or whatever that might be, and then he starts protecting him, looking after him and, like you know, being there for him. And it was, uh, it's yeah.

Joey: 4:12

It made me reflect on the differences between the way queer stories are told in the media and how they actually play out in real life, and I think there's a lot of similarities to like my coming out story and then seeing this on tv, but not in the positive way, unfortunately. I feel like for me it was. I was very much like too scared to be who I wanted to be, so, instead of being that person, I chose to swallow that person and keep that person, like you know, down in the dark, and then then that was a choice. Like that I've got to admit like that was my choice and I did that because I wasn't ready to be who I wanted to be. But uh, yeah, I think it's beautiful for the younger generations to get to see love like this on like TV. But for a lot of us it feels bittersweet and I want to talk about those feelings today, like how it's okay to feel both happy for those stories and sad for what we might have missed out on. Like how do we navigate that feeling and how do we make peace with, I guess, our own stories and even if they didn't look like the ones that we see on TV, wow, that was really powerful. Um, my main topics from the TV show.

Joey: 5:39

I'm happy to watch season three. I don't necessarily feel the same way that I did anymore. I feel like I've definitely like internalized and kind of gone through and the motions and I know it's just a tv show. I'm not trying to like make this anything that it's crazy or dramatize anything, but it's definitely crazy how you can watch a tv show and it can make you feel or a movie or in a film and I understand that you know like you could watch, uh, the green mile say, and you know that's a very sad, sad movie. My sister's keep a sad movie, or you could watch Resident Evil. It's a scary movie. I understand the concept of kind of like knowing what you're in for. I think I just went into this completely unknown of not knowing what this was. And I think I just went into this completely unknown of not knowing what this was and I literally put it on as background TV because it's about two kids in high school, I guess, that are falling in love. I didn't really know, but it was so powerful to me, it spoke to me on a different level and I just I want to know if other people felt the same way or if I'm crazy.

Joey: 6:43

The show is very cutesy and lovey and almost a little immature just because they're still in high school. So, like being a 28 year old when I watched this and was like what does this mean? Why am I confused and falling into this hole of depression? Why do I? Why am I drawn into the show? And you know what do I? Why do I see value in it? Gay men relate to these characters, potentially one time, but in this situation, um, of not knowing if someone is gay or straight and finding them attractive too. So, like you know, so the charlie is the main character and he is or forced to come out. It's you know it's kind of been told already story that he's or forced to come out. It's you know, it's kind of been told already story that he's been forced to come out and he was told he was gay and he continuously gets kind of like picked on and bullied through high school.

Joey: 7:35

After the show I felt very lost. I like you can ask, like all my friends, my partner, like I fell into like this hole of depression and I don't really know like how it, how I got there and how I stemmed into this. Like why didn't I have that? That's really what it came down to is, why didn't I get this, you know, in high school? Like why wasn't I celebrated this way? Or why wasn't my life like this? Like I found that a piece of my coming out story and me being gay was missing and I didn't no longer see value. While I am thankful for the representation for the queer community and this show to come out to, you know, help maybe a younger generation, or even just to inspire someone, or maybe just as good TV content, maybe I don't know just as good TV content, maybe I don't know.

Joey: 8:46

It's also British based, which is my home heritage and obviously where I kind of like grew up and where I see like my background from high school and like I immediately found that like it just really felt like it was my story, even though it's not true to my story. I kind of kept putting myself in their situations as like characters and like I had to keep telling myself this is just a show, it's just a tv show and I had to, you know, and like my partner would come home, was like you're not watching that again, are you and I? But yeah, like, and I my behavior, like I I don't I don't fully understand why I felt the way I did and I don't. That's not the intention of the show. The intention of the show is it's almost like like a coming out story and and and like it's it's very cute and well done.

Joey: 9:42

But I think just many of us don't have or didn't have that opportunity and it's not necessarily like that positive for all of us, that like I found that because my coming out or my experiences went with man my first time or, like you know second time or third time or hundredth time, weren't like that in the tv show. They weren't exactly how, like you know, charlie was and how he was kind of like looked after and supported by Nick, who was his straight best friend in quotations until he wasn't and now he's his boyfriend, and like they run the school because they're you know, everyone's so like like proud of them for coming out and like they don't really care what people think. And as much as I value that in those characters, I just don't think it was necessarily point to like real life. Um, so I think the point of this episode for me definitely to bring like attention to it was obviously like watch the show and and, like you know, take your you know two cents on it and but just remember it's a show and that those people are characters and that you don't need to relate it to your life because that's your own story and that holds a different value there too, like I said, I'm also very happy to see, you know, the queer community on our tv screens and having their own TV show about coming out and starting from scratch and just not like like this is a whole journey of a couple you know, from coming out to you know, going leaving high school or whatever they're doing. They're on season three now. I haven't watched it, honestly, but um, there's, there's so much value there, um, and education, um, not to mention like representation for the community, which is awesome.

Joey: 11:52

Um, I just found that for me, unfortunately, it it definitely, um, and my partner laughs about it all the time and he's like, you know, that was crazy. But, um, and like, my best friend will always be like, oh, that's crazy. Like that tv show that like fucked you up. I'm like, yeah, like it did fuck me up, like it. It made me really question, like, who I am as a person and like you know, because I didn't really do it that way, or um, I honestly I'm gonna be honest, this is my honest opinion I felt that I was missing a part of my childhood, because my childhood wasn't that way and I was so in the closet and like scared to come out that my childhood, me in school, wasn't so positive.

Joey: 12:40

Um, because I was so scared to be who I wanted to be, I like buried that person. I buried them deep inside me and it wasn't until, like I said, you know, maybe 2020, sorry, 21, 22, when I felt comfortable to start telling people that I was looking to explore, you know, being gay or like bisexual at the time, and then it was gay, you know. So I felt that, like watching the show, I felt like robbed of my childhood because these boys that you know had this childhood that wasn't super positive at the start, like they were bullies, had this childhood that wasn't super positive at the start, like there were bullies and you know. But because he was done with the jock, he felt like sheltered and like cared for and like protected and like the jock was like kind of running the school. So the jock by the way, the jock is Nick. He was protecting this young gay kid from like the bullies because he could command anyone in the school and you know, he then like brings him on the rugby team to like be closer to him and stuff, and I really thought it was like really cute and like very heartfelt and, um, yeah, I genuinely really enjoyed the show.

Joey: 14:00

I will watch season three. If my partner's listening to this, I'm still going to watch it. I'm not going to get upset, I promise, but I definitely would love to hear what your take of the show is and if I'm just being I guess I don't know like trying to fill a void here. Someone tell me, tell me, um, it's definitely very cute, it's very heartfelt, it's definitely very young. I want to keep referencing, keep referencing that Like it's definitely a very young show. It's not a show you know. You're like it's, it's young, they're kids. So, um, when you, when you watch it, um, I had to like remember, like don't think of yourself today, but think of yourself as a kid, like you know, like if you were going through this as a kid, like how would you have reacted or how would you have behaved, and like you know, and then you kind of like start to like develop this like personal connection to it. Well, for my experience anyways, that was definitely like what happened to me. I created this very personal connection to this tv show, which is absurd and I know this sounds crazy, but I guess, like people do it every single day, right Like to books and stuff, and that's kind of where this show started. It was, I guess, comics, comic books first, and that's kind of like where they branched off the franchise to a TV show. But yeah, I would love to get your feedback on that.

Joey: 15:26

I did look for some validation in my feelings after the TV show and I remember watching season one and going through all the emotions and like the motion of, like the void in my childhood, I guess, from not coming out early and not feeling like having a such a as positive experience as they are having. Um, but when, uh, I did, I did go through Reddit. I went to Reddit and I kind of looked and there was a bunch of gay men that were posting and talking about their experiences after watching it, how they were like kind of depressed and like had fallen into this, like really low in their life and they couldn't explain why. And I guess everyone has like their own, like, uh, individual relationship with the show and stuff and, like I said, it can be quite positive and it is supposed to be uplifting and a good representation of the community. But for me when I watched it, reading those reddits as well, it really um reval, like it validated how I, why I was feeling the way I was and that I wasn't alone. There was a bunch of other people that were feeling the same way and I wouldn't necessarily bring this up on the podcast and talk about this if it wasn't something that I feel like others are definitely feeling that way and that's kind of why I want to talk about it and just kind of like, watch the show, but don't be so invested personally, like, just remember it's, it's a tv show, um, and yeah, like it's it's scripted, it's not real.

Joey: 17:14

Um, I just think there's so many dynamics in the tv show that that have happened to people every single day and that do happen every single day. I ie myself and I think that's why I took it so personal. So just remember that, like this is just examples of kind of what happens every single day, you know, in school and stuff, and that's what makes it feel so real. I think, yeah, but great job on the TV show, you're really fucked me up. Um, no, I'm just, I'm just kidding, I'm not really um, I did watch season two.

Joey: 17:53

For me, season two was good. It just kind of dropped off a little bit. I wasn't like super invested, um, and season three just came out. So, uh, I I will probably give it a listen Sorry, give it a watch, just because I'm, like I said, I'm invested. It's definitely emotionally challenging for me, the first season, second season, not so much, and then third season hopefully not, but yeah, I do applaud the producers and the people that created this and put this on paper. The actors they do such a good job. It felt real. It felt so real and it and, like I said, I definitely like brought in my own personal experiences to the show. When I was watching it, I was like playing a loop in my head like why didn't I do this or why, you know, and which is which is nuts? It's so crazy.

Joey: 18:42

But I really want, I just want to know, like, like, when you watch it, did you feel the same way? Did you, you know, feel like you got in a bit of a rut? Were you upset in any way? Did you get like a little bit low and feel down for the characters or for yourself? Like I'm just, I'm just curious. I uh, I would love to know your thoughts and you can actually message me your thoughts and stuff via the podcast. There should be a little button in the description that says message Joey, click on that and send me a little message, if you want. I would love to know your feedback and your thoughts on the show and even if you want to just say hi or just you know, a little shout out or whatever, it might be that you're listening, send a little note to me.

Joey: 19:28

Positive representation is important, but I just want to preference that it can also set unrealistic expectations potentially for what a queer relationship and coming out your experience should look like. And coming out your experience should look like um, and I think this is kind of like where I fall short is my experience didn't necessarily look like Charlie and Nick's um, and not in a sad way. I just I feel like it wasn't so um positive and it wasn't so easy. I guess, guess, and, like I said, it's a TV show. I understand, but I think you know, watching these shows with the idolized picture-perfect love story may leave people feeling inadequate or that they're missing something from their own experience. Um, like, like as I was talking about mine, I feel like I felt like I'm missing that joyful coming out and that wholehearted love story that I didn't have in high school because I wasn't sure if I was gay straight by right, like I. Just I didn't know how to identify and not to fit in. I just that's kind of. What I focused on was just navigating, getting through the day and the people that I was dealing with every single day, and that's not a dig, like my friends or like anyone. I was in school with that. You know it's just kind of like a personal thing, like you always on your mind that people are going to be like, oh, you're gay or or looking back now, I didn't feel like I had the opportunity to be um, have those joyful, supportive experiences, and that's just because of, uh, me kind of like closeting myself for so long.

Joey: 21:21

But it's often a disconnect between the polished um tv show that you end up watching and obviously the relationships and the complexes and also just like the on-screen chemistry. I guess, like in any like rom-com or something like. I think that's why, like, we gravitate towards it and like we watch like rom-coms because they do make us feel good and they make us feel loved and like seeing like a love like that on tv. Like you kind of just like feel good for it. You know what I mean. You're like, oh, look, look how cute they are. And like, oh, like, I need a partner like that. Like we do do that, like, like we do, we all do it and watching this tv show heartstopper, it really, really, really me off and it really did that for me. So, yeah, this is definitely like me talking about my past self and just the opportunity that I don't think I give myself, but I am happy with everything I've done so far in my life and I gotta understand that. You know this. My life isn't a TV show and I don't get a script and you know the cute jock supporting me coming out and then wanting to kiss me. So, uh, my, my situation is very um, my situation is for me. That's my personal, that's my journey, right there. So let me know what you think of the show.

Joey: 22:54

Last little talking topic here before we end this episode is I know it feels like there's a lot of pressure to have this perfect coming out story or like this romantic experience that just like worked for you, um, but like we don't. We don't all get that and that's okay, and we don't. Sometimes we don't get the opportunity to do or come out or be the person we want to be until we're ready to do that. So don't ever force it and don't ever feel like you're less than because you're definitely not and things like TV shows and stuff. They're just a TV show. You know, in real life it's often a lot messier and out of our control and we're just doing the best we can with what we have out of our control and we're just doing the best we can with what we have. So a little food for thought there and that's uh kind of like my two cents there on, uh, on heart stoppers. Um, please go watch the TV show. I'm not saying don't go watch it, I'm just saying, uh, it's nice to talk about the queer community in media with us.

Joey: 24:08

Tv shows, the news, the last movie you watched and you know the power of the storytelling and the character behind the, behind the mask, is portraying the queer person. Understand that it is just a TV show and that it is characters and it's all kind of scripted and you don't need to, um, relay it to your experience and dissect it and and ask yourself, like why, why wasn't that me? Um, but I want you to know if you do that, others do it too. That is a very human response, like I said myself, like very much so, like I did that I dissected the whole show and was like you know, why wasn't my life this way? Like this seems like easier at times, or this seems like it's going to benefit him in the future and he's going to be a better person for it. Like you know, like, end of the day, it's still a tv show.

Joey: 25:06

Lastly, I'm just very thankful for, uh, the queer representation and yeah on the tv show um bringing it to such a big platform like netflix. You know, like, looking at um, all the different diversity in the tv show. It's not just about a gay man couple. There's there's a lot going on behind the scenes and there's a lot uh present there too and it's very um inclusive of the whole queer community um, and it's just uh, it's a really great watch.

Joey: 25:34

All righty, send me a little message if you want uh find that little description box. If it's on apple spotify or wherever you listen to your podcast, underneath the episode there'll be a description. It'll say send joey a message, click on that, shoot me a message. Whether it's just a little chat that you want, if it's a story you want to share, I know in the future we're going to be looking at um doing a question time and doing like a q a via the podcast. Um, whether it's your questions you want us to answer, or if it's questions about me you want me to answer and my experiences. We've got a couple more guests lined up coming on the show for the next two or three weeks, talking about their journeys, their experiences, and I'm really looking forward to sharing that with you. So tune in every Wednesday to. I'm Not Gay. You Are with your host me, joey, remember be gay.